every day I come home and reverse park my car into its spot. almost immediately as I turn the engine off, tears come bursting out. i bawl while listening to the radio, usually some sentimental song to tug at my emotions even more.

i'm a disaster contained in the small frame of an emo looking asian girl.

now what should i do with this disaster of mine..

Happiness...

wasn't meant for me.

Sometimes I honestly feel like I was not built to enjoy happiness. Something chemical in my brain is wired to find the flaws and downfalls to prevent me from knowing true happiness. Now and then it slips up and I feel like I'm actually living, but it never lasts.

I was meant to be alone. I always find a reason to break it off, but I still desperately want to hold on to it at times. But I can't because It is what bring me Happiness sometimes.

I am not allowed to have It.

I know what it takes to be happy but I just can't.

What makes me most happiest brings me the most pain.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jErySliSYBc


Lightning strikes
Inside, my chest to keep me up at night
Dream of ways
To make you understand my pain

Clouds of sulfur in the air
Bombs are falling everywhere
It's heartbreak warfare
Once you want it to begin,
No one really ever wins
In heartbreak warfare

If you want more love,
why don't you say so?
If you want more love,
why don't you say so?

Drop his name
Push it in and twist the knife again
Watch my face
As I pretend to feel no pain

Clouds of sulfur in the air
Bombs are falling everywhere
It's heartbreak warfare
Once you want it to begin,
No one really ever wins
In heartbreak warfare.

If you want more love,
why don't you say so?
If you want more love,
why don't you say so?

Just say so...

How come the only way to know how high you get me
is to see how far I fall
God only knows how much I'd love you if you let me
but I can't break through at all.

It's a heartbreak...

I don't care if we don't sleep at all tonight
Let's just fix this whole thing now
I swear to God we're gonna get it right
If you lay your weapon down
Red wine and ambien
You're talking shit again, it's heartbreak warfare
Good to know it's all a game
Disappointment has a name, it's heartbreak warfare.

why do i want what i cant have
i want him like i want surgery
easy is no fun
i want the chase but i want to enjoy the rewards

why couldn't i love them when they would do anything for me

Home

i'm leaving home and i've hated it the whole time up until now.
it's easy living i don't have to worry about anything except being bugged incessantly.

I wish i cold be better with them but unfortunately 20 years of hypersensitization to every little thing they do or say does not work well in the end.

Although relaxing, this was a very stressful trip.

I wish i could let go and maybe just see my parents as the odd eccentric somewhat bizzare mannered older person and be more patient. bah.


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